Trying something new....

Dear Me,
Sometimes I sit and stare into space and allow my thoughts to take me over. Sometimes it’s too much and I feel like I’m bubbling over. Other times I feel like I’m imagining that my pot is so full than the next drop is going to force things to spill to the floor. I’m trying to realize that when you hold on to things that the next thing just gets added on.
Then everything feels like too much.
The next thing is always going to set me off. The next straw will always feel like the last straw. How do you let go of the past when the past feels so much like the present? I couldn’t find the words before to describe how I was feeling. I always used these active verbs or flowery words. I feel like I’m “overflowing.”
I don’t care that it’s pouring. I know sometimes that when it rains it pours. But it doesn’t have to rain all the time. Not all the time. I don’t care about getting wet. It happens to everyone. I just need some sun. A rainbow. A lull in the action.
My friend said I was irritable. On edge, he said, like everything is going to aggravate me. Damn, I never thought about that way. Maybe that was too simple. Maybe it’s just me. Actually I know it’s me. Now. But it’s because I’m tired of standing in the rain and throwing a tantrum isn’t going to help me get dry. Waiting for the sun to come isn’t going to stop the rain. I’m standing in the rain angry and sulking and anything that happens is the next thing that makes me want to scream.
I can’t be like this.
I spoke at a career fair the other day for mostly teenagers, all in GED or alternative school programs. Kids that have had trouble with the law or discipline. They were all respectful, all quiet. Even the ones that didn’t care what I had to say at least pretended to pay attention. Including the three kids someone sat in front of me that barely spoke English. That time I was the one that ended the conversation. “So, thanks for stopping by guys.” I held out my hand for a farewell handshake in case any of them misunderstood.
I told almost every kid that sat down that finding a career was finding a way to marry the things that you like, with the things that you’re good at. There has to be a balance. The balance presents the challenge. For the most part, I felt like a spokesman for Read Across America. I kept telling them they need to read. That I read on the train. That I liked to read when I was younger but I didn’t actually read much because that required me to sit in one place for a long time. I told them that I always wanted to be smart, and to sound smart. For that you need access to lots of words. Where are words? Books. That’s right kids.
Reading. It’s like a vacation for your brain.

I promise I’ll try to write more,

Me