Channel-surfing at 1 a.m. and there's nothing on. I just turned off the replay of Weeds. I know I should at least being trying to sleep but for some reason I don't turn off the television. I just lay there figuring that I'll fall asleep eventually as long as I'm tired enough. I keep the phone in the bed with me sometimes. I try to keep it out, like a newborn it keeps crawling back into bed with me when I try to banish it to the nightstand.
I kept waiting for Her to call. I knew she wouldn't. I knew that wouldn't call her either. Maybe a text message. Yeah, a text message is less intrusive. There's less of an obligation to respond. I texted her this morning. She didn't respond. I knew it would too much to text her again. I wondered if she was busy or forgot about the text or just chose not to answer. Too many damn variables in this new method of communication. Too much damn guessing. Is she mad at me? What's she doing? Is she trying to figure out what to say, drop her phone in a ditch, fall in a ditch herself, is she just ignoring me.
Screw it, I said. I checked her Facebook. No status change in 15 hours. Twitter? No updates. She dropped off the social media map.
So now I'm thinking about all the reasons she could be pissed at me. Not just why she didn't answer this text message but why she probably won't respond to the next one either. Now I have to track Facebook and Twitter updates to find out what's going on. Even that thought made me feel like a stalker. Oh, what if I check her blog? Does that make me a stalker? Or I could Google her. Google knows everything.
I closed the computer. This morphing into Magnum PI was not on my agenda for the night. Back to the television. Rocky is on. Maybe I should text her again. Wait, did it just vibrate? Oh it didn't. Well I've always loved this scene in Rocky.
(see i'm trying new things in my blog... hopefully it's good)
Randomness...
The worst thing about the summer is that baseball is the only sport in season. I'll be excited for an NFL preseason game at this point, which is kind of like going to the park to watch some 40-somethings play three-second hold. .... "My foot's sleeping on the gas. No break pads. No such thing as last." ..... I was 30-plus minutes into a run and felt a small explosion in my calf. Ok I'm exaggerating but I did feel a build up and a pop. That on top of my Achilles hurting on my other leg. Now I'm walking around like a 70-year old with surgically-repaired knees. Probably going to run today anyway. ... I remember when V-necks were an experiment. Now I can wear one every day in a week. .... It's amazing what a few push-ups can do for your confidence. .... She's having the best summer ever. I'm happy and mad about that. .... I think I'm making progress this summer. Slow motion for me. .... Amare' Stoudemaire should NOT having any commercials mentioning the NY Knicks and NBA championship in the same thought. There's nothing to be said for setting yourself up for failure. Stupid. .... Everything in moderation is such a great saying. It's true in every aspect of life. .... I never thought being a good person and caring about people's feelings could be a detriment in life. That don't even make sense but it's true. .... Weezy really has a verse that starts "Oh shit motherfucker God damn/kicking bitches out the condo like Pam." That shit sounds like he's throwing a temper tantrum. .... I just wanna roll a blunt with my list of regrets. Burn it all. Burn it all. I'm starting it fresh. .... I really realized I have to thank God for the real friends in my life. I don't use them like I should but I'm grateful that there are people willing to put up with me. .... I find myself being a lot more selfish that I've ever been. And I think that's healthy for me. ....Reimbursement checks are like finding $50 in a pair of pants you haven't worn for awhile. It gives me a yearning in my loins. .... Real quick.... Darnelle Rives is well within his rights to holdout of training camp. ... Owners in all sports don't give two shits about players unless they are making them tons of money. Those players the owners call "close personal friends." ..... I hope the Giants don't suck this year. The Mets suck giants Ape testicles. .... The Knicks are still going to suck and I'm still going to watch them. ... Sometimes I want to be on Twitter but right now all my tweets will be subliminal. ..... I chose to refrain.
C
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
When the Sun comes up....
The best thing about the morning is when the sun creeps into your room. Through the window and onto the floor. It climbs the bed and touches you. It warms you and jars you just enough to stir you into consciousness. Another day. A new one.
There's a reason why the morning smells the way it does. It smells fresh, unspoiled by the stresses each day may bring. It hasn't been polluted yet, or trampled, or spit on or bombarded by noise. It's open to opportunity and bright and tranquil. I guess that's why you're supposed to thank God for new days. Everyday is like a do-over.
I forgot that for a while.
I like the crap from each day pile on to the next one, and then the next one. After awhile you get buried in all that crap and it's hard to come out because instead of looking at the next sun you keep studying all the crap surrounding you. Sometimes when it's like that no one can pull you out. Even if they extend a hand, you either reject it or pull them in with you. But there's a point that I realized that you have to pull yourself out. Had to figure out a way to look and appreciate when the next sun came up then I had to figure out when the hell I was going to do with this fresh new, shiny, tranquil day. I'm still figuring it out.
I stopped blogging because I thought I had nothing to write about. I couldn't stand watching myself write about the same things over and over. About frustration and struggle because it all looked like I was sinking, instead of pulling myself out of the crap. I decided to stop for a minute and really think about what makes me happy. And when I couldn't figure that out for the life of me, it made decide that, well, that's what I'm going to do with the opportunity that each sunrise presents. I'm going to find out what really makes me happy and what we'll keep me happy.
Running. Exercising. That makes me happy. I like to be challenged. I like to see how far I can push, I deep I can dig. I want to find out where I'll break, or if I'll break at all. I like that the reward is tangible. Bigger, stronger, faster and all that.
It's also important that I do things for myself and that I make some decisions based soley on my own personal best interests. I would literally make decisions based on which route would piss off, disappoint, or bother the least amount of people. I barely ever said no to anyone but myself. I have to laugh at how stupid that even sounds in my head. I realized that sometimes the best thing for me to do is to sit my ass quietly in one place and do nothing. Or read. Or write. Or just think about what I need to do that's going to continue to make me happy. It's working on not being stuck in the crap that makes you walk around like you're a rapper, saying you got the whole city on your shoulders, the whole state on your back, or the whole world rotating on your head or some other nonsense.
So recently I've started to take account of the sunrise. Since everyday is a shot at a do-over, a chance to do it better. To be better. So I've made friends with Gym again but I've been cheating with Running. Gym understands. She's happy if I visit. Procrastination is a torn in my freakin' side but that's partly because she has a partner that takes me upstairs and then I don't feel like doing anything.
If you've followed this blog in the past you'll get the personification. You will also remember this:
Randomness.....
Is it gay that I get an erection from the thought of Chris Paul playing for the Knicks? I'm sure it is. I don't care though. .... Damn the people in charge of the New York State budget are a bunch of cocks. I wish we could just round up like 12 really hood dudes and go up to Albany and just beat the shit out of everyone. That'll teach 'em. .... I didn't do anything work-related today outside of a few emails and two meetings that I barely paid attention in. At least I was productive yesterday. ..... I feel so many changes coming. .... I thought yesterday that I'm literally "training" to be 30. I'm running. I'm eating better. I'm cut my hair differently. It'll all been a win. .... This is the first time I've blogged in like 2-3 months and it was probably 2-3 months before that. .... I've tweeted about 10 times in the past 3 days. ... That's more than I've tweeted in the past 2 months. .... I've decided that I'm not longer taking blame for shit that ain't my fault. Enough of all this nice guy shit. .... Dough to get, more shows to rip. I suggest you all roll wit the clique. Who ya wit? .... Why do the Mets suck so bad? If I was more into baseball I'd be supremely pissed off right now. .... Giants and Jets in the SuperBowl? No? ..... Did my first "real" track workout in about 6 years the other day. I layed on the floor in my bedroom for hours afterward. Layed on the floor the next day after I ran and went to the gym. .... I know my abs are under there somewhere. .... I was told I was an "inspirational writer" and that I was "movie star hot" in the same week. I should be gassed but I don't believe any of it. ... Don't worry my swag is in tact though. .... Wait is the word "swag" played out? ...... Ah well. Just happy to be back. Good morning.
- C
There's a reason why the morning smells the way it does. It smells fresh, unspoiled by the stresses each day may bring. It hasn't been polluted yet, or trampled, or spit on or bombarded by noise. It's open to opportunity and bright and tranquil. I guess that's why you're supposed to thank God for new days. Everyday is like a do-over.
I forgot that for a while.
I like the crap from each day pile on to the next one, and then the next one. After awhile you get buried in all that crap and it's hard to come out because instead of looking at the next sun you keep studying all the crap surrounding you. Sometimes when it's like that no one can pull you out. Even if they extend a hand, you either reject it or pull them in with you. But there's a point that I realized that you have to pull yourself out. Had to figure out a way to look and appreciate when the next sun came up then I had to figure out when the hell I was going to do with this fresh new, shiny, tranquil day. I'm still figuring it out.
I stopped blogging because I thought I had nothing to write about. I couldn't stand watching myself write about the same things over and over. About frustration and struggle because it all looked like I was sinking, instead of pulling myself out of the crap. I decided to stop for a minute and really think about what makes me happy. And when I couldn't figure that out for the life of me, it made decide that, well, that's what I'm going to do with the opportunity that each sunrise presents. I'm going to find out what really makes me happy and what we'll keep me happy.
Running. Exercising. That makes me happy. I like to be challenged. I like to see how far I can push, I deep I can dig. I want to find out where I'll break, or if I'll break at all. I like that the reward is tangible. Bigger, stronger, faster and all that.
It's also important that I do things for myself and that I make some decisions based soley on my own personal best interests. I would literally make decisions based on which route would piss off, disappoint, or bother the least amount of people. I barely ever said no to anyone but myself. I have to laugh at how stupid that even sounds in my head. I realized that sometimes the best thing for me to do is to sit my ass quietly in one place and do nothing. Or read. Or write. Or just think about what I need to do that's going to continue to make me happy. It's working on not being stuck in the crap that makes you walk around like you're a rapper, saying you got the whole city on your shoulders, the whole state on your back, or the whole world rotating on your head or some other nonsense.
So recently I've started to take account of the sunrise. Since everyday is a shot at a do-over, a chance to do it better. To be better. So I've made friends with Gym again but I've been cheating with Running. Gym understands. She's happy if I visit. Procrastination is a torn in my freakin' side but that's partly because she has a partner that takes me upstairs and then I don't feel like doing anything.
If you've followed this blog in the past you'll get the personification. You will also remember this:
Randomness.....
Is it gay that I get an erection from the thought of Chris Paul playing for the Knicks? I'm sure it is. I don't care though. .... Damn the people in charge of the New York State budget are a bunch of cocks. I wish we could just round up like 12 really hood dudes and go up to Albany and just beat the shit out of everyone. That'll teach 'em. .... I didn't do anything work-related today outside of a few emails and two meetings that I barely paid attention in. At least I was productive yesterday. ..... I feel so many changes coming. .... I thought yesterday that I'm literally "training" to be 30. I'm running. I'm eating better. I'm cut my hair differently. It'll all been a win. .... This is the first time I've blogged in like 2-3 months and it was probably 2-3 months before that. .... I've tweeted about 10 times in the past 3 days. ... That's more than I've tweeted in the past 2 months. .... I've decided that I'm not longer taking blame for shit that ain't my fault. Enough of all this nice guy shit. .... Dough to get, more shows to rip. I suggest you all roll wit the clique. Who ya wit? .... Why do the Mets suck so bad? If I was more into baseball I'd be supremely pissed off right now. .... Giants and Jets in the SuperBowl? No? ..... Did my first "real" track workout in about 6 years the other day. I layed on the floor in my bedroom for hours afterward. Layed on the floor the next day after I ran and went to the gym. .... I know my abs are under there somewhere. .... I was told I was an "inspirational writer" and that I was "movie star hot" in the same week. I should be gassed but I don't believe any of it. ... Don't worry my swag is in tact though. .... Wait is the word "swag" played out? ...... Ah well. Just happy to be back. Good morning.
- C
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Trying something new....
Dear Me,
Sometimes I sit and stare into space and allow my thoughts to take me over. Sometimes it’s too much and I feel like I’m bubbling over. Other times I feel like I’m imagining that my pot is so full than the next drop is going to force things to spill to the floor. I’m trying to realize that when you hold on to things that the next thing just gets added on.
Then everything feels like too much.
The next thing is always going to set me off. The next straw will always feel like the last straw. How do you let go of the past when the past feels so much like the present? I couldn’t find the words before to describe how I was feeling. I always used these active verbs or flowery words. I feel like I’m “overflowing.”
I don’t care that it’s pouring. I know sometimes that when it rains it pours. But it doesn’t have to rain all the time. Not all the time. I don’t care about getting wet. It happens to everyone. I just need some sun. A rainbow. A lull in the action.
My friend said I was irritable. On edge, he said, like everything is going to aggravate me. Damn, I never thought about that way. Maybe that was too simple. Maybe it’s just me. Actually I know it’s me. Now. But it’s because I’m tired of standing in the rain and throwing a tantrum isn’t going to help me get dry. Waiting for the sun to come isn’t going to stop the rain. I’m standing in the rain angry and sulking and anything that happens is the next thing that makes me want to scream.
I can’t be like this.
I spoke at a career fair the other day for mostly teenagers, all in GED or alternative school programs. Kids that have had trouble with the law or discipline. They were all respectful, all quiet. Even the ones that didn’t care what I had to say at least pretended to pay attention. Including the three kids someone sat in front of me that barely spoke English. That time I was the one that ended the conversation. “So, thanks for stopping by guys.” I held out my hand for a farewell handshake in case any of them misunderstood.
I told almost every kid that sat down that finding a career was finding a way to marry the things that you like, with the things that you’re good at. There has to be a balance. The balance presents the challenge. For the most part, I felt like a spokesman for Read Across America. I kept telling them they need to read. That I read on the train. That I liked to read when I was younger but I didn’t actually read much because that required me to sit in one place for a long time. I told them that I always wanted to be smart, and to sound smart. For that you need access to lots of words. Where are words? Books. That’s right kids.
Reading. It’s like a vacation for your brain.
I promise I’ll try to write more,
Me
Sometimes I sit and stare into space and allow my thoughts to take me over. Sometimes it’s too much and I feel like I’m bubbling over. Other times I feel like I’m imagining that my pot is so full than the next drop is going to force things to spill to the floor. I’m trying to realize that when you hold on to things that the next thing just gets added on.
Then everything feels like too much.
The next thing is always going to set me off. The next straw will always feel like the last straw. How do you let go of the past when the past feels so much like the present? I couldn’t find the words before to describe how I was feeling. I always used these active verbs or flowery words. I feel like I’m “overflowing.”
I don’t care that it’s pouring. I know sometimes that when it rains it pours. But it doesn’t have to rain all the time. Not all the time. I don’t care about getting wet. It happens to everyone. I just need some sun. A rainbow. A lull in the action.
My friend said I was irritable. On edge, he said, like everything is going to aggravate me. Damn, I never thought about that way. Maybe that was too simple. Maybe it’s just me. Actually I know it’s me. Now. But it’s because I’m tired of standing in the rain and throwing a tantrum isn’t going to help me get dry. Waiting for the sun to come isn’t going to stop the rain. I’m standing in the rain angry and sulking and anything that happens is the next thing that makes me want to scream.
I can’t be like this.
I spoke at a career fair the other day for mostly teenagers, all in GED or alternative school programs. Kids that have had trouble with the law or discipline. They were all respectful, all quiet. Even the ones that didn’t care what I had to say at least pretended to pay attention. Including the three kids someone sat in front of me that barely spoke English. That time I was the one that ended the conversation. “So, thanks for stopping by guys.” I held out my hand for a farewell handshake in case any of them misunderstood.
I told almost every kid that sat down that finding a career was finding a way to marry the things that you like, with the things that you’re good at. There has to be a balance. The balance presents the challenge. For the most part, I felt like a spokesman for Read Across America. I kept telling them they need to read. That I read on the train. That I liked to read when I was younger but I didn’t actually read much because that required me to sit in one place for a long time. I told them that I always wanted to be smart, and to sound smart. For that you need access to lots of words. Where are words? Books. That’s right kids.
Reading. It’s like a vacation for your brain.
I promise I’ll try to write more,
Me
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Release...
I'm writing this because I want to write something else and can't find the words. So here I don't have to search for words. I just let them come to me. .... I guess that's lazy. I'm just trying to get the ball rolling. .... Anthony Hamilton just beasted this song in my ear. ... Her Heart. ...I keep thinking of something my mother said to me. ... "And who do the strong turn to?" ... What if I'm not as strong as I thought I was? Who do I turn to then if I've always thought I was the strong one? .... I can't remember the last time I was so happy to just stay in the house with my family as I was for the past two weeks. ... In my house everyone is reserved to their own corner, doing whatever it is they do and when we gathered in the living room suddenly I felt like we were having a house party but all the guest lived in the house. ... No matter how much I read, or what I read, I still can't find the inspiration to write something brilliant. I think I realized that I don't know who I am as a writer. I've found my voice as a reporter, although I feel like I've lost that at times. But the "writer" I'm supposed to be is a stranger to me. ... I'm not sure I've ever met him before. ... I'm finding that when I read I simply want to be like the author I'm currently reading. I wish I could see through his mind's eye and shape words and space the way he's crafted it. .... The best piece of writing advice I've ever gotten was simply to "Write what you see." ... I don't want to write a story that I wouldn't read. And I certainly don't want to write another hood classic about an athlete that never made it in sports but somehow found another way despite his inner demons and addiction to women's affection. .... The greatest minds are always the most flawed. That's way the geniuses we know also seem so crazy. ... Maybe I'm too normal for my own good. ... Lately my Randomness hasn't seem so random. ... Maybe it's forced. ... I need to write thought. I need to purge. I can't keep suffocating on my own thoughts. ... No, I'm more in control than that. .... I'm the one suffocating my thoughts. .... 2010 is time for action. More action than planning. More doing than thinking. ..... I've been sleeping better lately. Not sure why. .... I can hear the ticking instead of me. I'm just waiting for the BOOM.
-C
-C
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