Trust is earned... kinda

So clearly for months now I've been slacking with this. I've been blogged about my writer's block. I've vented, argued with myself. I've given myself pep talks on this blog and made promises to get better and at the end, nothing. But I didn't get on today to talk about the things that I haven't done. I guess I needed someplace to escape to and something I forget that my keyboard, despite the fact that it can be the root of some agony, it truly is my sanctuary. It's the place where I can let loose, even if it's under the guise of flowery words, imagery and a flow that's meant to captivate and entertain.

But a friend of mine said to me recently that they wanted to her my own voice in my blog, not Def Poetry Jam. I laughed. I thought, this is my voice. It's not the way I speak but these are my thoughts, my ideas and my painting but I guess the paint sometimes hides what's behind the canvas. I'm the canvas. (Damn, there goes the imagery again.)

So this blog is meant to be more personal. This is my voice. This is me. Alright, so recently a lot of my conversations have revolved around a central theme that is at the core of every relationship, friendship, marriage, partnership, etc. The issue is Trust. It's the ultimate co-sign, the great equalizer. It truly decides every social interaction you have and will ever have.

Now the saying goes that Trust is earned, not given. I personally think that's bullshit. Trust is given. It's handed out to strangers like a gift bag and inside there's a little note that reads, "Now you have this trust, if you don't fuck it up I'll give you more." People trust you when you're dependable, when you're there if they need a favor, or if you're always available, if you do what you say you're going to do and you're accessible. Trust to most people, means that you'll be there if they ask for you. Now I say all this and in the same breath I'll admit that I don't have a lot of friends. I feel like many people make this claim but I can legitimately say there are about two people that I speak to every single day and the way things are going that number is about to be cut in half. Part of the reason for that is trust. It's the reason why the number was 2 in the first place and why 2 is transforming to 1. I ask myself frequently if this speaks to my own trustworthiness.

I realize that I've never had a lot of friends or I should say "kept" a lot of friends. People in my life have been "seasonal" and some seasons last longer than others. But I can't say that there's one person in my life that I speak to on a regular basis that I've known since I was a kid. There's no one that you'll see me with in a club or bar or randomly coming to my house to chill or me in their house that can tell you that they've known me my whole life. Now there are people like that that are in my life, people that my brother and I grew up with. But somehow as we got older they became more my brother's friends than mine. That also goes with family. I have a lot of family that speak to my brother much more than they speak to me. Does that mean I'm not a social person? Does it mean that I'm not friendly or likable or approachable? Or does it simply mean that there's no trust built between those people and myself?

I find that I learn things about my brother from his friends and sometimes even my friends. I find out things about my father from my mother and things about my sister from my brother. Or maybe I'm just a loner or an outsider. I know that I'm very comfortable being alone. I hate to depend on anyone for anything. I hate to ask for help. Sometimes I don't mind venting to friends. I have no issues complaining about all the money that I don't have or my thoughts about my job or my career path but I have my most revealing moments when I'm alone in the dark. So my friends may know that I'm stressed but not how stressed I truly am. They may know that I'm angry but never know that I was on the verge of tears earlier or that I hadn't slept in 3 days. Those are roads that I've chosen to travel alone. Does that make me seem untrustworthy or just an introvert. This is not to say that I've always been the best friend ever, that I haven't done things that are "unfriendly" but I think all of us have had these moments right? I guess the thing is that I rarely have had the type of relationship where once the relationship is damaged it's clear whether it's worth salvaging.

Because of that I've become increasingly accepting of that pattern. I know that people will come and go in my life. Some will seem so close to me today but pack their bags tomorrow and never be seen again. I guess whatever their reasons are I've come to expect that even more than I accept it. And I certainly play my part in that. I allow people to come and go at their leisure, simply opening and closing the door behind them. Again, I'll say that I am by far not a perfect person and there are relationships that have been damaged or eliminated at my hands. Either way, I'm rambling now. Back to the point.

Even when trust is lost, in reality there is nothing you can do to "rebuild" it. You can do all the things you did before your indiscretion but it's up to the person to hand over the trust again. If they never "decide" that you're trustworthy again then all the "earning" in the world isn't going to change that. That's why people talk about forgiveness being an essential part of life. It's why having faith in someone is one of the most important parts of a friendship or relationship. Now, I'm no expert but that's my opinion. Sometimes I don't even think I trust myself. There have been more than enough times that I've swore to myself that I wouldn't do something and then did it anyway; plenty of times I've betrayed myself. But I can't get away from me so all I can do is rebuild, accept and forgive then improve.

I did a lot of talking in this blog. More than I've done in awhile. I'm going to end here. Suffice it to say that trust isn't earned, it's given. And you're given more once you don't fuck up the trust that you got for free. That includes the person in the mirror. Even when the person in the mirror is me.

Ok I'm done venting. Congratulations if you made it to the end of this post.